Sunday, January 19, 2014

It's Time.

It's time. Time to keep my running life separate from the rest of my life, and not shove it down the throats of those folks who don't want to hear about it. After all, I'm learning that there are two groups of people: Runners and non-runners. (Duh.) But no, seriously. I never, ever, for the life of me, understood why people wanted to run, and what was so special about running. Now, I wish everyone had the chance to be able to run for FUN. Yes, FUN. Do I love it so much while I'm doing it? Not at all. But the thrill of knowing you RAN several miles and did so without dying ... well, it's pretty cool. So, those who haven't been able to do this before have a hard time of getting excited for you when you run a mile under 11 minutes, or you bought spikes or ran four miles in snow and wind, and you actually WANTED to do that ... for FUN.

Please don't get me wrong. Runners are not superior to non-runners. We (whoa ... weird for me to consider myself a part of the running population ... lol!), like any hobby or sport, have a hard time talking to folks who don't run and don't share our enthusiasm. If a friend came to me tomorrow with a discussion on how amazing her table tennis game was last week, I would more than likely tune her out and instead, daydream about dinner.

I started this blog because I needed a personal document more to myself than to anyone, of the trials and tribulations on my journey. My closest friends of whom I talk to daily know what a hard balance my life already is. They know that after a fall of extreme burnout, some life decisions and soul searching, that adding something else to my already-full plate, is insane. They know my time is split between family, Girl Scouts and dance class and babysitting and photography and running and volunteering, and know I do all on little sleep often times. They know I make mistakes and they understand and forgive me when I just can't budge one more minute with time. But, they also know that this is a personal goal of mine. Has it ALWAYS been a goal? Not at all. Not until October 2013. But I needed something to work toward, a goal that would not only help get me motivated and off my butt. I needed something that would be tangible but tough, something that would be emotionally, physically and mentally challenging, that would make me cry, laugh and above all, make me do fist pumps and bring happy tears to my eyes once I met my goal. Some may say, "but that's why you have three beautiful girls. Aren't they a factor in any of this?" Absolutely, 100 percent. In fact, they are a driving force of why I've decided to do this. As girls growing up in a society that is completely different from the one I knew years ago, I want them to create goals for themselves and work hard to reach them, and not become too comfortable within their lives. I want them to always strive to do better and be better, but know that they already are wonderful and beautiful and gosh darn it, people like ... no, LOVE them. Of course, a tiny part of me wants to inspire them, but 99 percent of me wants them to be able to get that heart-swelling-with-pride-for-themselves thing going on after they reach a goal. Do I feel guilty when I leave for an hour of the day to go for a run? So incredibly much. My heart aches when I drive (or run) away and my girls are standing in the window, waving. But after soul searching this fall, I realized that I HAVE to have some "me" time to be a good wife and mother. I HAVE to find something, aside from my family and photography, that brings me to my Zen, that leaves me walking away feeling great and accomplished, just like my family and photography does. And running is it. Sure, I'm walking a very thin line of balance, and some days, I just want to throw in the towel because my legs literally cannot take me anywhere else in the scheme of daily life. But, I don't. I can't. I won't.

I couldn't do what I do without my wonderful family and close friend circle. They see me at my worst and cheer for me at my best. They know my faults, they acknowledge I'm human and make mistakes and try my very best and know I have the love of my family FIRST, on my priority list. They know that every single move I do throughout my daily life, I do it out of love for my children, husband, family and friends. They know I wouldn't do what I do on a daily basis -- running myself ragged, at times -- if I didn't love the things in life that matter most. They certainly don't give me guilt trips, and they love me unconditionally, despite my protests of sore legs, heavy workload and little sleep. To them (and they know who they are), they, along with my girls, are the beacons on a stormy night, and I'm forever grateful they allow me to be in their lives.

Thanks for stopping, thanks for reading, and if you have a spare moment, get your tennis shoes on and take a walk, breathe in that fresh air, and find your Zen.

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